Practicing Self-Compassion makes us happier, more resilient, and less anxious.

Have you heard of the practice W.A.I.T. Why am I talking? I didn’t come up with it, but I’ve been using it quite a lot lately. It’s such a handy reminder when you’re about to say something you’ll regret, like complaining to a colleague, or telling your partner that their chewing sounds like a wood chipper.

The other day, however, when an unfortunate train of thought gripped my mind, something new popped into my mind:

W.A.I.T. What am I thinking?

Suddenly, I had a new mindfulness practice! In reality, what we’re thinking is just as important as what we’re saying. Perhaps our thoughts are even more important to tame because thoughts lead us to speak and act. The Buddha said,

“All experience is preceded by mind.

Led by mind” (Buddha, Dhammapada, Verse 1).

Our whole reality is made by our mind. You are better able to function in the world when you believe that you’re a good person; you are trying. You’re perfect just the way you are. The mountains and the mud holes are perfect, right? The trees are perfect the way they are, though some are bent and others straight and tall. 

The squirrels, the humans, the flowers, and the weeds are perfect, too. And they change. Yet the wilted flower is just as perfect as the fresh bloom because all the seasons of things are also perfect. 

When we’re compassionate with ourselves, we experience a world where we feel good, where it feels like we’re fitting in. Accepting ourselves with kindness will lead to less anxiety, too.

Anxiety arises when your mind’s saying things like, ‘Why did you wear this? What were you thinking? This is much too tight. This fit last year! Everyone’s looking at me…and my back fat! Everyone!’ At times like this, we say to ourselves, W.A.I.T. What am I thinking? 

Our world is created by our thoughts. Every word, every action, every mood begins as a whisper in the mind. And sometimes, those whispers aren’t so kind.

When the Mind is a Mean Roommate

Let’s be honest, sometimes our thoughts are like a cranky roommate who eats all your snacks and criticizes your outfits.

The Buddha continues in these first verses of the Dhammapada like this:

Speak or act with a corrupted mind, and suffering follows like the wagon wheel follows the ox. Thoughts corrupted by habits like anger or greed lead to harmful words or actions. And harmful speech and acts are like two oxen pulling along a wagon full of…suffering.

Speak or act with a peaceful mind, and happiness follows, like your shadow that never leaves you. Wouldn’t that be nice? Your shadow is happiness. Wherever you go, whatever you do, happiness follows like the shadow of a body because we’ve trained our thoughts.

Where we really begin as Buddhist practitioners is by trying to tame our thoughts. Gradually. 

You can begin by focusing on the inner voice that talks to you: Wait. What am I thinking about myself?

We may be more critical of ourselves than we realize. Do we speak to ourselves in ways we would never talk to other people? 

We want to be kind to others. We want to help others with tender words. Wouldn’t it be more beneficial if we spoke to ourselves like a kind friend? Thousands of research studies have shown that people who are self-compassionate experiece more mental and physical wellbeing. From being happy, optimistic, and resilient, to eating healthier, the research is clear that self-compassion benefits us in myriad ways (Neff, n.d.).

The Buddha once said we should speak to others only if our words pass through the Gates of truth, benefit, and kindness.

Buddha said, when you speak to others, you should ask yourself:

Is it true?

Is it beneficial?

Is it kind?

These Gates provide a guide for training our inner voice. For example, if you’re saying to yourself, ‘You’re always… You’re never…’ These thoughts aren’t true because no one is always or never anything. Additionally, is it fair to label ourselves in response to our worst moments?

We have to ask ourselves, ‘Is it true that I am________?’ No, it’s actually not true. The Buddha’s teachings on emptiness tell us that no label exists independently, without a mind to do the labeling. We’re not always jealous or angry, right? Sometimes we’re patient and gentle. Labeling ourselves cruelly with a few cherry-picked habits really makes no sense.

Try to become mindful of the inner voice. Is it beneficial? And is it kind? When we learn to accept ourselves with compassion, the world we experience becomes softer, kinder, more livable. Anxiety loosens its grip. Life feels like a place where we actually belong.

Use mindfulness to notice when the inner voice becomes mean. At moments like this, we can pause and ask ourselves: W.A.I.T.—What am I thinking?

Is this voice telling me the truth? Is helping me? Is it kind?

If not, why on earth am I listening to it?

A Daily Practice for Self-Compassion

So here’s the practice of W.A.I.T for Self-Compassion:

• Practice mindfulness to catch yourself thinking something mean or critical, pause.
• W.A.I.T. Actually tell yourself to “WAIT.” Then ask yourself, ‘What am I thinking?’
• Check. Is it true? Is it beneficial? Is it kind?
• Replace the thoughts. Replace the unkind train of thought with something gentler: “I’m trying. I’m only human. You’re still learning.”

Because just as a crooked tree is still beautiful, and an elderly dandelion is magnificent in its season, we are perfect in all our seasons, too.

Here is a podcast episode that will help you continue working with self-compassion through Buddhism.

References

Buddha.The Dhammapada. Translated by Gil Fronsdale. (Kindle). Shambala, Boston and London, 2011.

Neff, Kristin. (n.d.). What is self-compassion? Self-Compassion.org. Retrieved https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion

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